This Will Pass

Everyone loves a spontaneous person to a certain extent. But constantly it’s exhausting.

Imagine being bombarded by your own brain with rapid thoughts that barely relate to the last in a never ending torture. Constantly trying to explain to those around you why you thought the way you thunk. Being branded inconsistent and erratic, and forever incapable of committing to chosen choice.

I never sleep properly, always dreaming in the same abstract way as my awakened self. I don’t speak to anyone anymore because I’ve come to understand that no one understands. And no one wants to.

The uncontrolled judgment from my dearest strangers is repeatedly felt when I consider medication or space. With little understanding of the torment I can no longer endure, I create horror in the faces of those I love, a horror that is soon swallowed by the normality these people are bound by. And so my suffering goes on; forgotten and silent.

My mind tunes into the negative comments and sarcastic wickedness of those around me, a weird sense of humour targeting an audience unconfirmed. Yet this behaviour that sickens me so is the very behaviour I mimic; it’s normal, it’s pretend, a veil, and people relate to it. I laugh, I laugh and joke and people think I’m funny. Inside my soul is rotting and as the void grows, I struggle on unnoticed, trying to remedy the thing that is me.

The internal conflict of who I am is just as loud as the people outside telling me. No thought can be trusted; as they are all so different and opposing. Though the feeling of unwavering belief accompanying each idea makes them difficult to doubt. It took me a long time to realise this, and the frustration that all paths cannot be followed is repeatedly buried with forced hope; later reemerging as an indescribable guilt.

This is my battle, in a world where self harming is a trend, depression is code for a holiday, and medicine that rocks a boat all ready tipping in the storm is a solution. I’m drowning waiting for this trend to pass and well, I just don’t feel like I’m on holiday.

PP

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10 thoughts on “This Will Pass

    1. Thank you for your concern but I do see a psychologist regularly. I have a lot of people who love and support me and have come a long way in my journey. I just wanted to share this side of my life because there is a lot of perfection circulating the Internet and it’s only half a story. I want to be as real and honest as I can in the hope that it helps people better understand OCD and depression. It’s also just to let people know they’re not alone. I have a good resolve so I know that this way of thinking is not how I actually view the world, that truth gets me through these kind of days.

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      1. I read once that actually people that suffered OCD are like canaries that get sent into mine-shafts. Actually they are the sensitive barometers of the state of the world, and OCD very much hinges on culture. When OCD is awry, it really means there is something really wrong with what the world is believing, we are just the ones that sense it first. Did you know that OCD only seemed to rear its head after the Renaissaince? Well that is the earliest reports. This was at a time when there was a new birth of Individuality … which actually meant Personal Responsibility started to come into play … before this, if you look at the early churches (not assuming you are a believer, but just interesting info I have run across), people just didn’t question, they just trusted in God. But at the birth of Renaissance, suddenly even the churches where asking us to really look at our sins. This goes completely against grace and faith. We became our own gods, but with that comes a huge price: personal responsibility. But the people of the most sensitive characters are the first to actually feel the full impact of this, personal responsibility is suffocating. We are making ourselves personally responsible for something that we are completely not responsible for at all. I could go on and on, its very interesting …. 🙂 Hope its inspired you anyway … 🙂

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      2. That is so interesting. I’ll need to read into this, I’ve never heard of that before. Sometimes my OCD is brilliant, it’s creative and a lot of fun when it’s not working against me.

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  1. I can understand your torture. All I can say is the right psychiatrist (Get recommendations from everyone if you don’t feel right with yours.) and right combination of medications saved my life. It saved me from self harm. I am more even now. It took a year of living “the new normal” which was an adjustment but better than my old life. (even though I’ll never again be as funny as I was.)

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