Everyone loves a spontaneous person to a certain extent. But constantly it’s exhausting.
Imagine being bombarded by your own brain with rapid thoughts that barely relate to the last in a never ending torture. Constantly trying to explain to those around you why you thought the way you thunk. Being branded inconsistent and erratic, and forever incapable of committing to chosen choice.
I never sleep properly, always dreaming in the same abstract way as my awakened self. I don’t speak to anyone anymore because I’ve come to understand that no one understands. And no one wants to.
The uncontrolled judgment from my dearest strangers is repeatedly felt when I consider medication or space. With little understanding of the torment I can no longer endure, I create horror in the faces of those I love, a horror that is soon swallowed by the normality these people are bound by. And so my suffering goes on; forgotten and silent.
My mind tunes into the negative comments and sarcastic wickedness of those around me, a weird sense of humour targeting an audience unconfirmed. Yet this behaviour that sickens me so is the very behaviour I mimic; it’s normal, it’s pretend, a veil, and people relate to it. I laugh, I laugh and joke and people think I’m funny. Inside my soul is rotting and as the void grows, I struggle on unnoticed, trying to remedy the thing that is me.
The internal conflict of who I am is just as loud as the people outside telling me. No thought can be trusted; as they are all so different and opposing. Though the feeling of unwavering belief accompanying each idea makes them difficult to doubt. It took me a long time to realise this, and the frustration that all paths cannot be followed is repeatedly buried with forced hope; later reemerging as an indescribable guilt.
This is my battle, in a world where self harming is a trend, depression is code for a holiday, and medicine that rocks a boat all ready tipping in the storm is a solution. I’m drowning waiting for this trend to pass and well, I just don’t feel like I’m on holiday.