Things have been more than hard recently. I exist in a continuous explosion of thoughts on a carousel of emotions, and I use all of my energy just trying to keep up with myself. Sometimes it’s amazing, but sometimes I wish I didn’t wake up, and the escape of head numbing meds has become ever more appealing over the past month.
A couple of days ago, tired and needing a Netflix background, I put on ‘Kurt Cobain: Montage Of Heck’. Put together by Frances Bean Cobain, this documentary offers an insight into Kurt’s life; and his demons. It’s based largely around old video recordings and being a casual Nirvana fan, I expected this would be enough to silence the silence in my room – without distracting me from distraction. Unexpectedly however, I became hooked on heck. Not by the footage of innocent childhood contrasted with sinister drug addiction, but by Kurt Cobain’s handwritings.
The thing that captured me was being able to see his flow of erratic thoughts, written down, by Cobain himself. This man had a fast brain too. But he let it out, and looked at it. I was struck by how beautiful these bizarre scribbles were to someone like me – a perfectionist by flaw. They were uplifting and upsetting, strange and familiar, scattered and fluid all at the same time.
I started this blog with a similar idea in mind, but as honest as I am here, this is insanity polished for the sane to digest. I thought that writing a blog would help regulate a personality disorder, but I realise now that I need a quick release; raw and uncensored. I need to write and scribble and make mistakes, without an audience. Don’t get me wrong I’ll continue my blog, I just need something to get me through the bits of life before hindsight.
It also dawned on me that for years I’ve tried to slow my own brain down and control my thoughts, a challenge that I repeatedly fail and sucks the life out of me. Maybe the reason I find happiness so difficult is that I am trying to achieve it by becoming ‘normal’. I am not someone of high self esteem but I recognise my creative potential, and I love that side of my personality. I need to embrace that side of me and let go of other people’s expectations.
How strange you might think, finding hope in someone who met such a tragic end. There is a lot of uncomfortable events this documentary covers, and though I have never experienced drug addiction, I do understand the power of addiction in other ways. I don’t see Kurt Cobain as a failure or dismiss him as a ‘junkie’, the truth is he struggled with his thoughts long before class A’s. He was extremely intelligent and unfortunately haunted. I empathise with those living in their own mental torture and understand the desperation that comes with it. Despite his ill fate, I am inspired by Kurt Cobain, by his self expression and all of it’s confusing honesty.
Happy birthday Kurt.