Everything is quite intense at the moment, and has been since September last year. Let’s catch up…
I completed the Higher English course I was doing when I first began this blog, and was over the moon with my results. I didn’t study, I didn’t do my homework on time/at all, and to this day I have not read the end of The Cone-Gatherers by Robin Jenkins. I started the course with full intentions of trying, but didn’t. But at the end when I got my grade, it confirmed to me that this is what I’m meant to do, my natural talent compensated for lack of effort. And that felt good.
Half way through the Higher English course I applied for a Literature degree (yeah I’ll have to study for that one!). I was a Higher short for this, but after I submitted my personal statement, I was given a conditional placement stating that I must achieve a C or above in Higher English. My personal statement convinced the course head to offer me a space despite the fact I’d still be a qualification short after the English course. And that felt good.
During this time I worked 30 hours a week at a well paying job, but applied to reduce my hours to 16 hours a week to allow adequate time for me to study… and to manage my OCD/depression. This was a long process and eventually I was allowed to reduce to 20 hours, with a review in 6 months. And that felt not so good, but what can you do?
I had been looking at houses casually but decided to hold off until I finished the 5 year degree that I’d enrolled on. But then I seen a house I loved and bought it in December with my boyfriend. It’s an affordable fixer upper in a good location, and it’s cute as.
My degree started in January. My new shifts started in January. I got the keys to my new house in January. Cue consumption of one poisoned parrot by a vicious stress monster she created.
A mixture of low self esteem and doubt has led me to put off concentrating on the last 6 lectures from both modules of the degree. I tell myself I’m not stupid and I’m not giving up. But subconsciously I’m avoiding it.
I don’t even know if I’ll be able to complete the degree if these shifts are not made permanent.
I am a scatty person who is all of a sudden having to manage bank appointments, solicitor meetings, energy accounts, documents, phone calls. Every ceiling in my house has Asbestos, which doesn’t bother me. The ugly Artex bothers me, and my indecisiveness about how to proceed in getting rid of it cheaply bothers me. All of the people around me are trying to force their own opinions on me about what they’d do in the house, or what I should be doing, or worse, what I NEED to be doing. I am having to compromise with my boyfriend for the first time over things that are important to me. I don’t want to argue anymore.
And now here I am crying. Crying because everything requires so much effort, only for it to go wrong. And I’m fed up. I’m crying because despite all the positive shit I feel like I don’t want to be here.
I try to remind myself of all the good things that have happened to me, or things that I have achieved. But the depression just doesn’t care.
I am a waterfall woman right now but somehow through all my despair, there is a part of me that feels the benefit of letting it all out.