OCD Failed MOT

The OCD struggle has been real the past couple of weeks, and when it takes hold like this, inaccuracies and contradictions traumatise me.

Compulsion at the wheel, Obsession on the gas. I realise I’m being held hostage to unachievable standards, and the people around me don’t deserve the same. But often Rational is gagged and bound in the trunk. The car racing out of control horrifies spectators, though they often don’t notice Emotion dragging behind, tied to the bumper by the neck.

At the age of about 15/16 years old I was notorious for my social media interactions. Cut throat comments and issues stripped bare, I was savage. Some people found entertainment in my posts, others took offence, either way it was a whirlwind of extremes; and I hated it. This continued up until I saw my first psychologist at the age of 19. At the time I didn’t think I had made a lot of progress with her, but looking back now, she gave me the most useful coping mechanism for my OCD: to write, privately.

Slowly I managed to retreat into a more casual usage of social media. My rules were that I’d only share positive events from my life, and I’d avoid the comment sections on other posts – hoping the monster would not take to the stage.

The notes on my phone are in the thousands, they help me to work through episodes without an audience. They let me see my progress and identify triggers. This private outlet has been essential for me – and it protects others from the hurt that can come with the rigidity of my mind.

Lately I have been under a lot of stress and I have found myself slipping. A comment here, a correction there, I’m losing control. There is no grey in this black and white mind as I frantically sort things into the boxes in my head. The pain I feel when flaw appears is unbearable, and the need to fix the world is overpowering. But the slightest surrender amounts to significant suffering. I irritate people on my quest for constant rightness, and they don’t understand I despise it more than they do.

I remember an acquaintance approaching me on a night out some years ago, they said “You are the most controversial person on my Facebook.” – my heart sank. My OCD had crashed that car so many times, people thought I was the bad driver. Their words have stayed with me ever since.

Social media is a wonderful tool in highlighting mental health problems, but it can also exacerbate them, like ice beneath your wheels. So for the time being, I think I’ll park up this crazy car, get some fresh air and walk for a while.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and New Year, and if you need a break too, take some time to slow down and recuperate.




4 thoughts on “OCD Failed MOT

  1. You are not alone in your struggle. I used to have some of the same issues with social media. I took to the keyboard with the blunt of my opinions expressed without regard to what it could start or the realization that all I’d be doing is stirring the proverbial pot, ultimately veering directly toward inevitable confrontation and pointless battering that solved absolutely nothing. After all, opinions are just that, opinions. Each person’s is different, influenced by their unique perception of life, communications, and learned as well as biological attributes. Of course there many more things that influence ones perception and rational of things… But you get the general idea. The point I’m trying to make is: we all feel as though our perception of things, to a certain extent, is “right” and “valid”. What I have done, when I feel triggered and ready to lay it out, is immediately stop. Put my phone down or shut my computer, close out of the tab, etc., and I take a deep breath. I’ll react aloud, if I’m where I can (very quietly or under my breath), pause for a moment, and then attempt to see where they are coming from or what could make them think/believe/say/do/feel the way they do. Essentially, I attempt to see things from their perspective. Then I ask myself if I could ever see myself react the same. Sometimes I see where they’re coming from… Sometimes I search and search my mind for reasons as to why or how another could feel/etc. so differently. I can’t always justify or agree, but I attempt to understand. If I can’t react in a completely appropriate, non-aggressive or unoffensive way, or I think it’ll accomplish nothing, I’ll just walk away from it completely. I have learned over time to catch myself. It’s difficult, and it may take quite a bit of time, but with patience and cognitive restructuring, it’s possible to take that deep breath, and walk away, ultimately resulting in greater peace of mind, less anxiety, and infinitely better self control! With how harsh the internet can be, it can be a real struggle to practice self restraint. Sometimes I just need to turn off the notification settings on my phone and live off the grid for however long it takes for me to be able to deal with the level of chaos that the internet and social media has the ability of creating at a moments notice. Stay strong, keep positive, and celebrate your small victories! Positive vibes your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! that is some really great advice. I’ll keep this in mind the next time I feel triggered. I usually know that my need to comment on things comes when something else has happened to make me feel stressed, or if I’m feeling run down. It’s just hard when correcting something feels like the most important thing in the world, I get into state over the most ridiculous things. I realise after I go back and read some of the notes on my phone that they were pure obsession and am so glad I’ve not shared them. It’s like there’s too much in your head and you just need to get it out somehow.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Positive vibes to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 100% absolutely yes. The OCD and anxiety feed off each other. This place is really an awesome outlet for inner feelings. I also used to have a completely private LiveJournal. I wrote every single thought, feeling, and opinion in there when I was really needing to let that it out, and not a single person could read it. Sometimes it’d be an open letter, other times it was a directed letter that’d never be sent. I’d dump it all in a post and I’d restrict view to only me, and read it as many times as I needed to feel validated and heard. As many times as I needed to feel as though I had successfully dealt with my aggressions and irritants and incessant feelings. Then, I’d sign out and not log in until the next time I needed to vent. At first it was a lot. I posted frequently. Sometimes a paragraph, sometimes just saying that I’m so pissed and hurt and I don’t want to talk about it. Lol. Sometimes an incredibly long post. Whatever I needed. Over time the posts became fewer and fewer. I haven’t logged in for a long long time, and I haven’t made a post in even longer. But the coolest part of this therapeutic method is that you can go back and read them! These are your war stories. You got through, you fought and you won. You’re still here and you can visibly see your progress! Always here, friend!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That so true, a really good way of looking at it. I usually write the same rant a hundred different ways until I’m satisfied it’s all out lol. Sometimes I just write random thoughts as well, it’s nice to read them back sometimes. Same to you friend! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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